Being a woman is not that easy 4 July 2009

It was exactly 3 Fridays ago when our hopes and dreams for a new member in both families was troubled. After we heard no fetal heartbeat and a 4-week difference in gestational age last June 4, I religiously followed my OB’s advice for medications and complete bed rest pior to another scan after 2 weeks. See my previous post here.

Since Val left for Cebu on the 7th, I was then restricted in the 4 corners of my parents’ room with the TV as my constant companion during daytime. Their room is nearest the bathroom and I would transfer to my room before bedtime. My brother would bring my meals upstairs, wash my dishes and refill my 2L water bottle. Hmm… I used to consume almost 2 and a half bottles of water.

Do we have to have reasons in everything that happens? 30 June 2009

It was more than 2 weeks since I left the hospital. I’m healed physically but not completely. My quick 38-hour confinement has brought tons and tons of questions to which only God can answer. The pain I felt gradually eases as my supportive friends and families continue to comfort me.

Reminiscing the incidents from ER to Rm 274 and from OR to the recovery room, I almost wanted to pinch myself to wake up from that nightmare. One minute I’m happy as a bee, the next minute I found myself in a hospital bed with those needles and medicines while seeking each one’s eyes for answers if I can still save my baby.

I was able to accept our loss after hearing other women’s stories. Some have worse cases than mine. One even shared her ordeal – 5 gestations with only 2 successful pregnancies and 8-month bed rest with heavy bleeding in each 5 pregnancies.

What happened seems like a dream – a dream so vivid that can sometimes bring tears in my loneliness. Why? How? When? It just happens with no specific reasons. MJ just slipped out into the bedpan as I peed – as simple as that.

Dear Li’l MJ 15 June 2009

Dear Li’l MJ,

When you gave me signs that you were conceived, we were all ecstatic! Your Father wanted to let the whole world know how happy he is. He wants you to call me Mommy and him Papa.

I can’t see what’s happening inside your tiny home. All I know is to provide you the nourishments you need, watch my actions and religiously follow the doctor’s advice in taking my vitamins. I’m not a fan of milk but I always think of your well-being so I obediently take 2 glasses a day. I frequently read articles on what to expect while you’re inside my tummy. I refrain from drinking softdrinks and eating junk foods, walk away from people who smoke, cut off my travel escapades, cease from using colognes and perfumes, and avoid anything that may harm you. Bulges on any part of my body seems pleasingly pretty!

For the baby 7 June 2009

June 4. The day we’re all waiting for. I was 11 weeks pregnant based on my LMP – last menstrual period. My husband even came home to listen to the fetal heartbeat in my womb. I had a transvaginal ultrasound since the fetus is less than 3 months old. It was so awkward to have a device inserted through me that I could have backed out yet my excitement overcame me.

What I will miss 22 May 2009

I experienced spotting on the day I was supposed to have my monthly period last month. It was one of my signs of having a heavy period in the next few hours or the day after. However, it went lighter to no signs of having my monthly period. I thought it could just be due to stress of travelling from Cebu to Victorias City then doing some laps in Sta. Fe Resort.

Eight days had passed, I deliberated I might be positive. And the pregnancy test confirmed it! Everyone – my families, Val’s families, our friends – got excited. It was still too early to take any ultrasound so my OB prescribed Folic Acid and milk until my next visit.

Those were the days 26 April 2009

Those were the days when my parents would stay late at night until the wee hours of the morning as they alternately lull me to sleep. I would cry as soon as they put me back on the bed. Yes, they had to carry me and pat my back for me to sleep soundly.

Those were the days when the whole neighborhood knew that I was taking my bath – morning or afternoon or any time of the day. I cried and screamed like hell.