Do we have to have reasons in everything that happens? 30 June 2009

It was more than 2 weeks since I left the hospital. I’m healed physically but not completely. My quick 38-hour confinement has brought tons and tons of questions to which only God can answer. The pain I felt gradually eases as my supportive friends and families continue to comfort me.

Reminiscing the incidents from ER to Rm 274 and from OR to the recovery room, I almost wanted to pinch myself to wake up from that nightmare. One minute I’m happy as a bee, the next minute I found myself in a hospital bed with those needles and medicines while seeking each one’s eyes for answers if I can still save my baby.

I was able to accept our loss after hearing other women’s stories. Some have worse cases than mine. One even shared her ordeal – 5 gestations with only 2 successful pregnancies and 8-month bed rest with heavy bleeding in each 5 pregnancies.

What happened seems like a dream – a dream so vivid that can sometimes bring tears in my loneliness. Why? How? When? It just happens with no specific reasons. MJ just slipped out into the bedpan as I peed – as simple as that.

Dear Li’l MJ 15 June 2009

Dear Li’l MJ,

When you gave me signs that you were conceived, we were all ecstatic! Your Father wanted to let the whole world know how happy he is. He wants you to call me Mommy and him Papa.

I can’t see what’s happening inside your tiny home. All I know is to provide you the nourishments you need, watch my actions and religiously follow the doctor’s advice in taking my vitamins. I’m not a fan of milk but I always think of your well-being so I obediently take 2 glasses a day. I frequently read articles on what to expect while you’re inside my tummy. I refrain from drinking softdrinks and eating junk foods, walk away from people who smoke, cut off my travel escapades, cease from using colognes and perfumes, and avoid anything that may harm you. Bulges on any part of my body seems pleasingly pretty!

For the baby 7 June 2009

June 4. The day we’re all waiting for. I was 11 weeks pregnant based on my LMP – last menstrual period. My husband even came home to listen to the fetal heartbeat in my womb. I had a transvaginal ultrasound since the fetus is less than 3 months old. It was so awkward to have a device inserted through me that I could have backed out yet my excitement overcame me.